Belonging, fitting in and the journey of finding your place in the world
Feeling vulnerable to post my story of belonging but it’s that dark moon time to delve into the diary of the healer and I’m being called to step up and out of the shadows lately so here I am...
Growing up the eldest of three we were always at each other. Sure we were and still are close but man we could fight. Mum did everything she could to keep the peace, I know it broke her heart to watch us fight but I think that’s just something siblings go through when they’re close and sharing spaces, fighting for attention and affection.
It makes me wonder, with having three children myself, if it’s that two against one paradigm where someone is always feeling left out. Might have to round it up to four one day... perhaps when I’ve finished Uni... haha.
When asking myself to dig into my triggers for belonging and fitting in, my relationship with my siblings isn’t the first that comes to mind. I’m drawn to memories of playground taunting. Primary school kids can be cruel and whether or not I dished out the hurt I received I cannot recall as clearly as the stinging words and rejection felt from my peers.
It was here I have my first memories of the beautiful silvery white unicorn that would meet me by the yellow wattles at the school fence, she lived in the gully and would come to check in at recess. She gave me somewhere safe I could retreat.
I remember her following me when we would drive in the car. Staring out the window she would be thundering alongside us and bounding over fences and any obstacles that got in her path. A spirit guide that has shown me the way from the start, making sure I wouldn’t get lost within my own fears.
I look into my journey with high school and how I got used to being a bit different, a bit weird... embracing my oddities and awkwardly embracing how I could make people laugh with how I would think differently. Pretending that it didn’t hurt when I was written off as being random or a little crazy. I remember practicing seeing peoples auras in the classroom, intuitively deciding what each colour means. I remember sharing my hidden anxieties with a friend who responded in shock... “but you’re always so happy and smiling everybody loves you...” She was going through a hard time and I was trying to show that I could relate. Apparently I hid it too well so it didn’t count.
Not long after that I moved schools, I didn’t bother trying to be that funny, quirky kid anymore. It was much easier to just keep to myself... “oh she’s nice” they would say but who really knew me? I’d given up by now. I had a few friends but I know I preferred my own company... reading, reading, reading.
I grew comfortable with the names freak and outcast I preferred to be different and awake to the world around me. Rolling my eyes when I got asked if my little rainbow crotcheted pouch, where I kept my crystals close, was where I kept my drugs. Apparently it seemed I was always tripping when I would talk with the trees and hold my crystals to my third eye.
Fast forward to meeting my now husband, I had been calling him in, begging the universe with letter after letter to bring me someone deserving of all the love I had to give and able to return loving me 110% Finding him across the country I trusted my intuition when I knew that I had to go. Knowing nobody and hardly even knowing him I started over.
Finding myself in unfamiliar territory I felt a pressure to fit in, to make friends. Ultimately that pressure was all from my own insecurities of not being enough for this new relationship. I would keep all my magic and my rituals to myself, boxed up into one corner of my bedroom for years... pretending to be “normal” Jarryd would ask me why I wouldn’t talk to people when we were out cause he knew I had so much to say...
I ended up working in the corporate world in the city a few years down the track. I found some beautiful humans there but I had an agony inside of me that I just couldn’t bring myself to be myself with them. I felt like I was back in high school where I had friends that “loved” me but they didn’t really know anything of my heart - a deep seated fear of persecution for being different for feeling more than others and hearing whispers on the wind. I kept to myself and I worked hard to fit in, to belong as I thought I had to to be accepted to be seen.
I cringe now at how I would scrape my wage into designer dresses and eyelash extensions... nothing against those things at all but my reasons for doing them were not for my highest good. Looking back I can feel myself smothering my highest self “Shhh just let me do this one thing and then I’ll be loved...”
Then my first baby came and it rocked my world! To feel so much love but to feel so alone... such a paradox of worlds. People around me fawning over this beautiful creation but feeling so seperate and distant from everyone... as one of the first of our friends to have a baby I was really doing this on my own... working out how to raise this human who had me in complete awe at the same time as utterly exhausted. I’m grateful for the family help that I had but without a circle of women who hold the same values it’s hard!!
I relied on books to tell me how to raise my baby and we struggled, it felt wrong and she was not a happy baby. Still trying to keep up with the mainstream thought processes I persisted to all of our detriment... I went back to work, she went to daycare we both cried everyday.
I found my strength again in taking care of myself, heading to the gym became a way to build my self confidence and literally strength trained my way out of a depressive state. Once regaining my grounding I was reminded of my energetic connection that I had packed away and was able to bring reiki back into my life to help my now toddler settle her anxiety and sleep better at night.
At the best physical point I had been at I fell pregnant again, feeling more grounded this time around I dedicated myself to anchoring back into my roots and re-enrolled in my Bachelor of Health Science Naturopathy that I left to move across the country. I felt the universe open up to me as I made this step, entrusting the universe to help me make this work as I knew this was my path.
I was once again practicing my meditation and reiki and as I struggled with now two children I anchored myself in my practice. I craved a circle of women who could understand me energetically... not just a mothers group that talk about their babies and their new life of birthing into motherhood but one that was not afraid to go deeper, to talk about the realness. I started what I myself needed at that time.
The more I opened myself up to my tribe of women I began gathering in women’s circles that I held monthly in my backyard, with babes and children at our side, expanding into new circles and new venues... the more layers I peeled back to reveal my values and truths despite the fears of being seen, despite the fears of rejection and persecution for being different to the usual crowds I circled in...
The universe moved and changed my circles, people that I am now surrounded by are a gift in return for embracing my truth and living more in alignment with my values.
I’m still a work in progress when it comes to feeling that belonging or fear of rejection but I’m seeing the payoffs now and realizing the links between fitting in verses living in alignment with my values.
I hope my story brings you peace if you can relate. I’d love to hear from you and perhaps journey with you in our healing ground too.
Many blessings on your journey, Love Dania